PRESUMED GUILTY

Filed Under: Fake! > Harry Morton > Lindsay Lohan > Stavros Niarchos

An acquaintance of theirs just told us that that Lindsay Lohan and Harry Morton didn’t really break up at all – they PRETENDED TO so they could get more attention from the press! Who knows what to believe any more? Everyone was feeling sorry for Lindsay and she dragged Stavros Niarchos around town to help her “get over” Harry. Actually it looks like she and Harry are masters at drumming publicity for themselves . This week the pair turned up at perhaps the most photographed restaurant in the world = The Ivy = and pretended to be “working things out” while flashbulbs popped. Give us a break.

A HAPPY FACE

Filed Under: Eva Longoria > Tony Parker

Eva Longoria showed up at the opening of Ken Paves comfy new salon on Robertson Friday night and she announced that she was” tired of being blonde” and planned to go back to her natural color soon. She was chatty and peppy and you’d never guess she was on the outs with her boyfriend Tony Parker. No moping here. Between Jessica Simpson’s boy problems and now Eva’s possible bustup, we can imagine that Ken is getting an earful. And we’re jealous.

NOT JUST ANOTHER COP MOVIE

Filed Under: JCH Recommends > Martin Scorcese

On paper The Departed seemed like the last movie on earth we’d want to see. A hyper-macho movie – a nearly all male cast, vulgar, violent, horribly bloody. Another cop movie. But are we glad we gave it a chance! We can’t stop thinking about it – the script was smart, the characters were fascinating, the soundtrack added a new level of excitement. We were HOOKED from beginning to end! It’s almost like the Irish version of Goodfellas. It’s THAT good. Martin Scorcese IS a genius. You’re gonna LOVE this movie.

TP Patrol

Filed Under: Illicit Love > Sex > The Big Closet

UCLA’s private cops thought they’d seen everything until they encountered this respected actor on campus. At first they were thrilled when they happened upon the tall, handsome guy who has played a cop on TV and many movies. They all wanted to shake his hand. But eventually they compared notes and realized he had a nasty habit of lurking in the mens rooms. After observing his suspicious behavior they had no choice but to warn the actor they had so admired, to GET OFF CAMPUS and don’t come back.

WHO'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND?

Filed Under: Jake Gylenhaal > Kirsten Dunst > Orlando Bloom

The Marie Antoinette premier party at Chateau Marmont was a huge success and the celebrity crowd ignored their diets and feasted on mountains of sweets – inspired by the movie. Revved up partiers couldn’t help gossiping about the movie’s star Kirsten Dunst and her mysterious love life. Since splitting with Jake Gyllenhaal, Kirstin is VERY low key about her personal life. The buzz of the party was that Kirsten and her Elizabethtown costar Orlando Bloom have resumed their romance. Fueling the party rumors was the fact that Orlando was there – but seen lurking behind trees and bushes most of the evening! The fact that he avoided Kirsten – and almost everyone else – but stayed at the event for a long time- seemed suspicious. But lately he’s been seen openly hanging out with Penelope Cruz. Is she a decoy or the real thing?

IS THIS FOR REAL?

Filed Under: Katie Holmes > Photo Play > Tom Cruise

Is this a sinister plot or an odd camera angle – or an accurate portrayal of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes? In this recent photo taken at the Beverly Regent Hotel Tom appears miniscule next to his towering girlfriend. She IS wearing high heels but the height difference is startling. Tom’s fans are outraged – they claim people are conspiring to make Tom appear foolish and insist the picture is Photoshopped. They feel this is just the latest form of harrassment against their idol. We don’t know if it’s a joke or not, but it is a hoot.

MR AND MRS SMITH?

Filed Under: Anna Nicole Smith > Howard Stern

Today Howard K Stern’s dreams came true. According to reports he and Anna Nicole Smith were married in the Bahamas this morning – two days after Howard announced (in a trance-like state) their marriage plans on Larry King Live. Howard always had a strange lawyer -client relationship with Anna. He gave up his law practice to be her full time companion. For years he quietly adored her and did whatever outrageous thing she asked him to do. He was on every episode of her reality show on E! and hung in there while she ballooned in weight and finally lost it all. He was by her side through all sorts of boyfriends (and maybe some girlfriends ) not to mention numerous court appearances. And he was there when she needed a father for her new baby. He never gave up and he got what he always wanted. At least SOMEBODY’S happy!

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO VITAMIN C?

Filed Under: Vitamin C

Vitamin C, AKA Colleen Fitzpatrick, was a hot newcomer after she appeared in Hairspray. In the 90’s she was lead singer for the underground band Eve’s Plum and her bright yellow hair (copied from us) made her a highly identifiable popstar. Cosmopolitan voted her a “fun and fearless female.” In the past few years she has dropped off the map. Now a company in England called UK Performer Services is asking around, looking for Vitamin C to pay her royalties she has earned there but they can’t find her or her management. And our curiosity is aroused – where IS she these days?

STEP ASIDE, BRITNEY

Filed Under: Britney Spears > Jamie Lynn

Get used to looking at this face. Britney Spears’ little sister Jamie Lynn is on the fast track to becoming the teen idol that Britney once was. Her family has carefully planned every step for the fifteen year old – from her dancing, singing, and gymnastic lessons to her Zoey 101 TV series for teens. Now that Britney is a wife and mother there’s plenty of room for another teen popstar and Jamie is growing up fast. Jamie wants to work on her acting before recording her first album. Behind the scenes her family and handlers feel she has more natural talent than her older sister and she’s on her WAY. Hopefully she learned from her sister’s mistakes.

WE WANT CANDY

Filed Under: Candice Bergen

We are SO happy to report that Candice Bergen is out of the hospital and apparently recovered from a stroke she had a few days ago. According to a hospital source she received prompt treatment when she fell ill, and avoided lingering damage. A full recovery is expected. Hospital employees reportedly found the Murphy Brown star to be a delightful and humorous patient and almost hated to see her go. All is forgiven for that questionable belt she wore at the Emmys.

WHO HASN'T HAD A FLING WITH LINDSAY?

Filed Under: Crimes and Misdemeaners > Lindsay Lohan > Stavros Niarchos > Wilmer Valderrama

Where Lindsay Lohan goes, trouble follows. We just got word that a fight broke out at Xenii last Saturday night. When Lindsay arrived at the after hours club with Stavros Niarchos and another guy, she headed right for her exboyfriend Wilmer Valderrama’s table. Obviously Wilmer has a problem with the 2nd unnamed guy. Sources say Guy #2 used to be Wilmer’s close friend – UNTIL he had a fling with Lindsay! The exfriend tried to buddy up to Wilmer but Wilmer smacked him and he swatted Wilmer back. Guards broke up the fight and Wilmer ducked out, leaving his bodyguard to sort things out. All this went down while Janet Jackson was performing onstage! Underage Lindsay was allowed to remain in the club as long as she promised not to drink. Stavros held her hand.

HAPPY GILMORE GIRL

Filed Under: Alexis Bledel > Milo Ventimiglia

Gilmore Girl Alexis Bledel and Milo Ventimiglia, who sometimes played her hot boyfriend on the show, broke up in July after three and a half years together. Looks like the split was a failure because a source reports that Alexis was seen at Blair’s restaurant in Silverlake last week with Milo. An eyewitness observed “Alexis looked really pretty in a black low cut dress. They held hands and kissed across the table. She blushed and they were both giddy. They seemed really happy to be together. On the way out they stopped for a big hug and a kiss in front of the restaurant.” Maybe they’re sticking to out of the way places and keeping the relationship out of the public eye until they’re sure it’s going to work this time.

PUBLICITY STUNT?

Filed Under: Harry Morton > Lindsay Lohan

Was Lindsay Lohan’s romance with Harry Morton a FAKE from beginning to end? We told you about their mutual love of publicity and the many photo-ops they set up together to make themselves more famous. (Those “candid” shots are all staged!) Now we’ve learned that they share the same publicist and THAT publicist set them up to meet last summer at a beach house. This same publicist has arrangements to share information with the top celebrity magazines. So this publicist took credit for making Lindsay and Harry a famous couple and kept the magazines happily informed also. Lindsay might have even been PAID to make Harry famous. All because it would benefit his Las Vegas club. It sounds like a tidy business arrangement but it’s possible that Lindsay developed feelings for Harry. When Harry called it off and left for Las Vegas, Lindsay was hurt. So now she’s hooked up with Stavros Niarchos (another publicity hound ) to get even. Just keep those flashbulbs popping!

FINGER SNAPPER

Filed Under: Attitude > Faye Dunaway

When the employees at Whole Foods in West Hollywod see Faye Dunaway walk in the door they “scatter like cockroaches” one of them told us. Nobody wants to wait on her. Faye is VERY demanding -especially at the deli case. Here’s an example: When a server waiting on her was wrapping up an item he turned to another employee to tell him something and Faye ferociously snapped her FINGERS in the air scolding “I NEED YOUR FULL ATTENTION!” She asked her deli person for a pound of turkey breast. Sliced medium. After all the meat was cut she examined it and frowned “NO – that’s too THICK ” and wouldn’t buy it! THAT”S why the help runs for cover.

NAPOLEAN DYNAMITE CLONES?

Filed Under: Efran Ramirez > Jon Heder

Do we ever get tired of talking about Napolean Dynamite? Certainly not. It’s been two years since the movie came out and there are still things to be learned about the stars. After seeing the film, we were excited to meet Jon Heder (Napolean) and Efren Ramirez (Pedro) on separate occasions. We encountered Jon at an Oscar party at The Abbey in West Hollywood, of all places, and Jon introduced us to his wife and HIS IDENTICAL TWIN BROTHER Dan! His brother is not an actor but he is involved in production or animation. We were struck by how good looking Jon was without the 70’s drag, but also a tiny bit disappointed that he was so normal. Imagine our shock when not long after that we ran into Efren Ramirez and HIS IDENTICAL TWIN BROTHER Carlos at a theater opening! We were quite astonished that BOTH stars of the movie are twins! We searched everywhere for a photo of Jon and Dan to show you but couldn’t locate one so we made do with two Jons. After an extensive search we DID locate a picture of the Ramirez twins for your viewing pleasure. We are fascinated by twins.

HIGH PRICE OF BEAUTY

Filed Under: Ray Liotta > Vanity

If you plan to watch Tuesday night’s episode of Smith be sure to check out Ray Liotta’s face. We were told that Ray showed up for the first day of shooting with an alarmingly red, swollen, and peeling face! His looks horrifed coworkers – especially the makeup department we’re sure, and he explained that he had recently gotten some sort of face peel. He didn’t realize it would take SO long to heal. Producers were NOT happy – behind Ray’s back they were overheard snarking “We should just kill him off!” Lighting, closeups, wardrobe etc were adjusted to disguise Ray’s raw mug. Tune in to see if it all worked.

PIMP HIS RIDE

Filed Under: The Rock > Xzibit

We had a conversation with an actor who played a young inmate in the surprise hit Gridiron Gang and we asked how it was to work with The Rock. He said The Rock is a nice guy but his costar Xzibit turned out to be the life of the party. “He had a great sense of humor and was always cracking jokes.” Xzibit couldn’t shake his Pimp My Ride image during the movie shoot. In the film, the rapper turned actor plays the Rock’s assistant coach to a team in a juvenile detention facility. After enduring endless teasing comments about his stint as host on Pimp My Ride, Xzibit laid down the law. He made all the guys get down and do PUSHUPS every time someone referred to the car makeover show.

On and Off

Filed Under: Drugs > Sex

This on and off couple finds it hard to call it quits because they have a lot in common. They both LOVE being famous and enjoy having photographers document their activities. Since they both have a history of substance abuse, they TRY to stay away from temptation. But the most important factor that has kept them together is SEX and plenty of it. They both have herpes so they can freely indulge in unprotected sex with each other with no repercussions. When they go out with OTHER people, they have to be careful!

1980's RADICALISM

Filed Under: JCH Recommends > Moby

Ever wonder where stagediving and slamdancing started? Right here in Southern California in the early 80’s with the Hardcore punk movement. This chaotic underground scene is the subject of the new documentary American Hardcore (the history of American punk rock 1980 – 1986.) If you liked loud fast music and had a shaved head or a crew cut and a threatening demeanor back then, you were probably Hardcore. We remember stuffing kleenex in our ears and keeping a safe distance from the stage during some of these shows, but we thought the scene was really cool. The movie features interviews with bandmembers from Gang Green, Circle Jerks , Bad Brains etc. and it’s fun to see how the guys look twenty five years later. Bet you didn’t know Moby was in a Hardcore band.

WHAT WAS HE THINKING?

Filed Under: Brian De Palma

Cigarette obsessed Brian De Palma managed to give Oscar winner Hilary Swank a massive career setback when he directed her in The Black Dahlia. Poor Hilary was oddly cast as a 1940’s VAMP and De Palma dolled the boyish actress up in a tawdry black wig and illchosen cocktail dresses that emphasized her athletic – not voluptuous- frame. The embarrassing effect is almost drag-queenish. Luscious Scarlett Johansson fared better – at least she filled out those cashmere sweaters and her hair worked in the 40’s updos. We still love Hilary and hope she got paid a lot for this debacle.

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